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DUTY, HONER and your counslor

Jan. 18th, 2007 | 04:12 am

I learned a new word tonight, MALINGER according to the 2 dictionaries I have it means “ to pretend incapacity as ILLNESS so as to avoid DUTY or work. My counselor told me tonight that this is my problem, although she expressed it a bit differently her definition “ I am unable to get better because I am to focused on my symptoms”. Boy that sure would be something me faking this shit that is trying to kill me stuff my doctor seems to think I need 3 antidepressants a mood stabilizer used to treat bi polar and an anxiety drug.

DUTY that is not something someone enters into lightly I dedicated 18 years to protect and serve some days that was not to hard to do but others, not much different then taking a stroll in down town Baghdad. There is not to much difference in how someone is killed be it a bomb or a car wreck your seeing things you can not see and remain healthy I new this going in I chose the life style (its not a job) it truly is a life style if you doubt this take the opportunity and speak with a Law Enforcement officer a Fire Fighter or a Paramedic 90 % do it because it is what they have chosen to do with there life very often from a very early age. This was my case I put my family through hell on earth so I could be who I wanted to be. We look at our DUTY to protect and serve the same as a MARINE ARMY RANGER NAVY SEAL or HCM a NAVY medic that goes where the fight is. This was the worst slap to my face I have ever had. I receive MORE respect form someone I have just arrested than this Health care provider who is trying to fix me.

It was a medical doctor that removed me from active DUTY (there is that word again) NOT ME NOT BY MY CHOICE it makes me sick that I can no longer provide safety for the people in the community where I worked. DEATH BEFORE DISHONER you ask any officer that has been removed from duty that they would have gladly given their life for the people in their community. To be labeled with PTSD is the worst thing that can happen. First you don’t look sick if you had a leg or arm blown off that removal from DUTY is honorable you still have your brothers and sisters in arms. That is not the case when you have been removed from DUTY because you can no longer handle the stress. For every Officer killed in the line of DUTY 3 yes 3 die from suicide they would rather die at their own hand then to loose their family of other officers. Some don’t know they have PTSD they self medicate with drugs an alcohol till the pain can no longer be dealt with and they end it. That is looked upon with more respect then getting removed form DUTY because you can no longer stand the inhumanity and carnage and stress on the street. At this point you have now had your ties to your family cut. Sense I was told I have PTSD I can count on one hand with four fingers removed the times my partner the guy I went into places that you just cant comprehend came to see me yet he lived a mere 10 miles from my house. To have this person that I go see for help, this person that can help me get the disability I have earned or keep me from getting it because she ether lied to me on the definition of this word or just did not KNOW what the word means and is now filling out critical papers my lawyer needs to prove my case.

You will never know how bad it feels to be FUCKED by the person that does not have what it takes to pull one watch and sleeps well knowing that there is someone like me that is willing to die so they can sleep in security, and they can tell you your not worthy you’re a FAKER.

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Christine S 2,Nov 1961 - 31, May 1979

Jan. 11th, 2007 | 12:25 am
location: home
mood: confusedconfused
music: LOBO best of

At the time I posted her name on 2 web pages I have.  I could not remember her middle name and when Ok this one I don’t quite know how to deal with. I dedicated a song to Christine on two I was reminded I went to my web pages to add her middle name to my complete shock her middle name was added and it was not by me and no one NO ONE has my passwords or even knew her no one in my family, I don’t know how it got there but both sites its there as god is my witness I did not add it yet there it is it was there last night it was there to night. I find this just a bit unnerving to say the least no one new I was going to do it but I cannot argue with the print it is there. I find my self in a surreal half wake half asleep dream state the feelings are so strong memories so clear crystal clear I can smell all the smells I was hoping that it was just an over active teenager memory yet as l look at her picture it is the same every bit the same how could her middle name be added if I did not do it I am at a total loss. I’m a cop for gods sake I deal with the real not what ifs I just don’t get it.

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the harder we try

Nov. 14th, 2006 | 11:19 pm
mood: bitchybitchy

Well I find my self in front of my computer looking at my LJ guess I have been gone for a week or 2. Frustration is running high seems there is no end in site fighting a corrupt court to make things worse a close family member got jammed up so on top of my problems o can add worry over his. trigger warningCollapse ) well she made an apointment to see the new shrink if anything this will be entertainaing

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not much new

Oct. 11th, 2006 | 09:39 pm
location: home
mood: anxiousanxious
music: none

It has been awile sence I have put anything on my journal not to sure where to start got a new theropest a wile back still not sure if she is good or bad she does have her spin on things but im sure she has never worked with public safety personell she is very quick at keeping your self oht of bad places trigger warningCollapse )

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happy new year (not for the fain of heart)

Dec. 30th, 2005 | 08:30 pm
mood: angryangry

You ever notice life is all about the rules at least that is what they tell us you have to fallow the rules at all cost think about this for a second ever try to get something done on your credit card? Worse yet god forbid you come to a point in your life were you become broken. The simplest things like children playing, something in life that should bring you pleasure and at this time in your life it pushes you over your edge the shutting of a door causes you a scare that should be left to the fight of your life. A point that all of life’s little altercations put more adrenalin in your system then that of a high speed chase, working a cardiac arrest on a baby . They tell you that it is time ( by their rules ) you can no longer work, that your doing more harm to your self the any of the good you can do on the street you need to put in for ssdi. Well it is time to play by rules again “Please remember there many types of disability they use different rules and we are sorry you don’t fit in with our rules” your not disabled you can simply do work that is simple and routine less demanding, so how do you do this when you can’t even leave your house sometimes because your scared to death that someone will see you loose control. Because there are things out of your control like
helicopters fire trucks ambulance police cars, things that don’t bother the protected .

You have memories that are so clear because before you can’t sleep you must first visit with them as you did the night before and the night before that……you get the point. No matter how much drugs the doc makes you take.
Xmass what a joyous time of the year, going and to see friends and family except for the little 7 y/o boy, that kept screaming at the top of his lounges I WANT MY MOMMY over and over (this being the last thing you hear as you leave the Damn E R,) h lost his entire family such as it was his mom and his sister but that was it, that WAS ALL this little boy had for them to only die in a car wreck when someone with to much spirits hit them and took the only thing that mattered to this little guy something that just can’t be given back as you try explaining to a 7 y/o why he doesn’t have a family anymore, hearing a mother scream for her family in a house fire that they are not coming out of alive, and her daughter yeah you remember her she was the little blonde teenager with her whole life before her you treated a week earlier oh yeah something else did I say I got to see my OWN father get hit and nearly killed. But yeah you can work with these screams in your head they lie sleeping just waiting for someone or something to wake them up to rob you of the little quiet time before night and it starts over again

I miss my innocence, from before the time when strawberries and whip cream reminded you of just that, not something leaking or on the ground
From before I found out what the world was all about who will give me that back?

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rage at the system

Dec. 24th, 2005 | 10:02 pm
mood: angryangry

I am and alot like me are created so ppl can sleep at night knowing they are mostly safe, me and ones like me are a large rottwiler you have tied up in your yard to keep the bad ppl away but are only thanked when we are needed then when we are not we are wanted to be left in the shadows.

then god forbid after tending to peace creating a safe place being the first one down a dark ally we are eather k.i.a , injured or worse yet we come down with PTSD and all that goes along with that. We know longer can function our family is afraid of us we are afraid but can not admit that to anyone because it will be mistaken for weakness not by the ones we protect but worse than that by the ones that have our back your partner, your best friend the one you are closer to than your spouce. why? because he sees your hand trimble he sees your eyes water and quits beleaving that it is the dirt in your eyes then he start to wonder if you can still be trusted to see that he/she gets home safely too.

But there must be help? the people that supervise you they must watch you closely, so that after you have tried for hours to save a baby that was in a car wreck or simply choaked on something and passed from this peaceful place that your ok that you are not effected by it so you can continue keeping the peace or maybe after many attempts to get someone to stop their unpeaceful behaver you had to make them stop. now that is an interesting consept they give you a few days off to clear your head and then back at it that ask you you ok? your answer must be yes im fine it did not bother me. then on to your next task a car off the road you get there and there is thei red stuff all over the place smells that stay with you for a life time sounds you hear in your sleep and I use that word loosely. the faces you see you never make eye contact maybe the eyes are of someone you know your sunglasses become more and more important evey day.

Sleep if you can call it that, is seeing the dead and mangled bodies of all you cant help and never the few you can, that is funny you dont see the ones you help only the ones you did not.Why is that? Sleep ah yes you lay down to close your eyes their are the night sound the ones you never heard before but now sound like bombs going off that creek and pop you never use to hear now send you into a state of firght that is the same as when bullits fly over your head it turns you ice cold inside.Then there are the screams that you cant drown out no matter how high you turn your stereo up then their is the time you pull up on scene and OH GOD it is someone in your family their sreams are the loudest fallowed by the inosent children that because of the stupidity of thier caretakes you glance at the paper and your eyes fall to the obits and there you read that the two children that died on you a week ago where servived by their loving father.....but how can that be.... wasn't he the one that got drunk and took them from their warm bed at 3 am and hit a tree at 65 mph only to walk away with not so much as a scratch. When I was a kid I use to love the sound of a helecopter now it makes me feel like i will be sick. You cant get close to ppl they may not be there tomorrow if your REAL luck you will be a partner with someone for along time or more often you have a different partner every shift so they spend the shift wondering if they can trust you and if you can trust them and pray that nothing happeneds but then it does and its bad a life hangs in the ballance then your worst fear come to pass your partner looks at you with the oh know what do i do now look? only for you to have the same thought. you try to tell your self if they had called for help sooner or if they would have walked away instead of saying something hurtful to the other person their loved one if you could have driven faster the ifs never quiet the screams in your head. You get asked alot why would you do this? I guess my answer would be it is a calling you dont do it for the money cause there is not enough to put your self in the path of a bullit or get assulted in an ambulance taking someone you will pick up again it a day or so who do i blame........?

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Jun. 17th, 2005 | 12:09 am

Hello i am a 42 y/o 1/2 white 1/2 Native American with PTSD Depressive disorder agraphobia anxiety disorder Panic disorder retired Emergemcey Servive worker

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